After writing lists of pros and cons my head is telling me to stay here. Better experience, better opportunities, better education, better professional development.... and awesome people.

I feel less stressed now that I am leaning towards staying but I am still wondering, "Will I regret this?"

I have decided I will wait to see the job posting and if it is a step up from what I am doing, I will consider it. If it is similar or less, I will not. I have an exciting year ahead with projects that I am heading up. To add those things to my resume will help me get any job when I am ready to move closer to home.

One more year.

My heart and my head are fighting. My heart is more homesick than it has ever been in my life, more than when I was across the ocean in Holland. With my sisters wedding and now her being pregnant I feel like I am missing the important moments in my family's lives, the people who are the most important to me.

But my head tells me this is where I should be, for at least another year. The past year has gone by so fast, that what is another year? But the opportunity is now. My heart tells me to jump, but many times its wrong.

My dad said tonight, "Usually when your heart and head are fighting you should listen to your head, cause its the one that feels regret after the emotions stop in your heart." And this time I think he is right.

I think back to many times where I have made quick decisions based on the quick pace of my heart beat and then kick myself afterwards (jumping on this apartment and losing my cat for example). I don't want to lose a good thing, for a mediocre thing near home.

I know that I want to finish what I started here and I know my educational opportunities are best here, even based on the mentorship of my boss and support and knowledge he gives me.

If only I could stop thinking about this for one day, step away from the situation and think rationally.

I feel the need to talk to Russia as a small child:

"Russia! Stop that. Leave Georgia alone. You need to learn how to share, just like all the other five-year olds in pre-school."

Do we not learn as children to share our games, our toys, our space?

So how is it that Russia feels the need to slaughter innocent people because they want some land back? (O.k. I am certain it's more complicated than that, but...)

Russia: Hey, we're gonna take this back with brunt force *censored for violence*
Georgia: Please Russia, Please don't hurt us anymore
Russia: O.k. o.k. we'll stop *fingers crossed behind back, sneaky smirk on face*

And Russia continues to slaughter Georgia, even after promising not to.

Now, I remember getting punished for this as a child.

I personally, do not understand war. Do not understand violence and so much of our societies need to pursue it. Violence makes me sick, physically. And it just seems to be getting worse. I remember learning about World War II and never really understanding how that could all happen, and why? But it was something in the past, something I thought we'd learn from. I naively thought we'd learned our lesson and war could never happen again.

And then I learned about the Vietnam War, Cold War and so on. And then, 9/11. And I'll never forget sitting in my host parents house in Holland, watching the U.S. invade Iraq and Afghanistan and I thought, "This is it...World War III, I hope I can get home to Canada one day." (Alright, I'm over dramatic). But I just couldn't understand how this could happen again.

Hadn't we learned?

Won't it ever end?

As usual, its been ages since I've written anything.

It is day 2 of my 1.5 week vacation from work and I have absolutely nothing planned for the day - and that's the way I like it. The rest of my vacation will be busy.

On Monday we leave to my hometown (the mid-point to our actual destination) which is a 6 hour drive. We'll stay the night there and then continue on on Tuesday to a Winery in the Okanagan Valley for 2 nights (another 3-4 hour drive - but at least the sites are gorgeous in B.C.) then back home to the Kootenays where we camp with my family for the weekend. I can't wait. It is such a treat to get away. Especially the winery - a gift to us - is something we would have never done on our own. Being a gift we can really enjoy it without worrying about money (which is something I do frequently).

I look forward to getting away from this city for a little while, forget about work and life and all that things that worry me when I am within these walls.

One week to pretend everything is perfect.

Why is it so hard to un-volunteer? To say no?

I thought I wanted to be involved in a volunteer service organization, and now I've changed my mind, but it seems so hard to get out of it. I don't want to ruin my reputation and I don't want to ruin my chances of participating in the future, but I just don't have the capacity right now, financially or physically.

There is so much going on in my life, and so much uncertainty about the next few months, that I have a hard time committing to anything right now. I don't even know if I will be here in three months, none-the-less a paying member of a new organization.

*phone call complete* Well, she didn't fight as hard as I thought. The meetings cost $11 for a meal each week, and I just can't afford that. She said that is a non-issue and that as a guest I will not have to pay - but I don't feel comfortable with that either. I let her know that I don't feel comfortable and she understands, I hope. There is just one area that is near to my heart that I want to help with... so I hope she will contact me when that opportunity arises.

oh dear...

If only I could stop thinking. Even before I wake up I am already thinking about work.

Chris looks and me and says, "What's wrong?"
I say, "I'm not really in a good mood."
Chris says, "Please don't tell me you are thinking about work."

( Read more )

I think my cold is now turning into an ear infection (or two.)

It makes me a little sad when I spend my whole day in front of a computer. Then I come home on a Friday night, and here I am, sitting on a computer. I don't even really enjoy it, but I can't think of much better to do. It's amazing how much technology consumes our lives. I find it boring now to sit and watch TV. To stay entertained for long periods I need to do something else, with the TV on in the background. My cell phone is sitting next to me, and the cordless for my home line is also within reach.

Only a few years ago, things were simpler. And I'm sure people were still entertained.

Things I should really do more of instead of being lazy on the computer:

• crochet more scarves (that's all I really know how to make so far)


• write more letters


• ctually go to the post office down the street and mail the pile of letters that is already sitting next to the door for over a month


• read more books


• write more in this journal


• start an interesting blog about interesting things that people will be interested in reading


• exercise


• learn more about this html code stuff. tee hee. i just learned this today

That's a bit of a nerdy list. But, eh, that's me.

After reading Susan's post it made me think something I've often thought. It's strange how reading her posts and such I realize how much alike our lives are. I often hear myself saying, "I know how you feel," or "Yep, I've done that before."

Closure. When does it become too late to ask why?

Someone hurt me very badly when I was 17. It's hard to imagine it was more than 5 years, 2 boyfriends, 3 cities, 3 schools and numerous jobs later I still think about it. And often too. Not think about him, but think about the pain, the betrayal and the emotional scars that I still keep finding.

When did I lose my opportunity to ask, "Why?"

I would imagine if someone came up to me 5 years later and said, "Hey, why'd you do do this?" I would probably laugh at them for having thought about it for the past 5 years. What kind of crazy lady do I need to be that I still wonder, "Why?"

It's amazing how many issues I now have (emotionally and sexually) because of the actions of this one person. Maybe it wasn't that he was a horrible person. Maybe we were just young. Maybe I wasn't ready for that relationship. Maybe I was trying to be something/someone to him that I wasn't. Maybe I was trying to be too grown.

Maybe I don't have the answer as to why he did what he did, but maybe he does. So, do I ask?

I need to motivate myself to write. Mostly I don't see why anyone would want to read about my life, because not a whole lot happens, yet, when wasting time writing seems like an ideal way to do it.

I spent my afternoon in an educational setting, which is strange for me on a Saturday. I don't usually like to spend Saturday in dress pants, as I am stuck in corporate wear all week long. I attended a session titled "Where are the women: Dialogue on democracy". It was quite interesting, discussing why there are not more women in politics. Is it because we still live in a man's world? Or just the perceptions of one? Are there not more qualified women? Or just not enough party support?

It was interesting to hear all of these powerful women in the Lethbridge community discuss what is holding back more of these women from running for a political position. I personally have never thought of it, but I personally have never been deeply involved in politics. Last year was the first time I decided to use my democratic right as an adult to vote... and I am 23, I've had that right since I was 18.

What I would be interested in attending next is a discussion on voter/political apathy among my generation. My generation and younger seem to be tuned out to everything around them, not just advertising, but political issues as well: issues that affect their futures.

So how do we get more involved? How do I get more involved? How do I make my vote mean something? How do I make my voice heard? What is my voice???

It was a thought provoking afternoon.

Just as I start to get comfortable in life I start to wonder, "Is this really what I want?"

I am 8 months in to a 12 month contract and the whole time I have been putting my heart and soul into it, so it will become a full-time job in the end. I can't be certain that there is a job in the end. It's swell for my boss to say that he 'wants' to keep me around, but budget and need determines that.

It's not a nice feeling, this sense of uncertainty. I've been so confident in what my future holds over the past 8 months and now I am starting to wonder again, "Where will I be 5 months from now? Where do I WANT to be in 5 months?"

I've been hoping, and begging, and working so hard to keep this job... but is that really what I want?

If I don't get a job, then what? The door is open to so many things - that excites me, and terrifies me.

For now, I guess I just wait...

It's been a year and a half since I last posted on here. I just read all of the messages I've written in the past four years (not a lot) and had to giggle at all I've been through and how much I've clearly grown.

It makes me kind of regret not writing more often. I've always kept journals since I was a kid and it is so much fun to go back and read the silly things that I used to get all worked up over and the fun times that I had forgotten about. It was funny to read the message that I wrote before my first date with Chris, and saying that our relationship would probably end that summer... and to think, next month we'll have been together for 4 years.

I've been through so many jobs and schools. I've graduated and started a career. I've grown, and aged. And now I wish I had kept better track. If I can reflect even on this small amount of information about the last four years of my life, imagine what else I would have learned if I wrote more often.

I think this is one of the safest places for me to write anyways, because I think only Susan is really on here reading. So, maybe I'll try to write more for you, so you can know as much about me as I do about you. Or maybe I will write so I will have something to look back on one day.

Random thought:

Some of the best noises in the world...

* rain falling on a tin roof (or tent)
* waking up when camping and hearing footsteps on gravel roads and birds chirping
* acoustic guitar
* flowing water - rivers, creeks, waterfalls
* a kittens purrrrrr

(what do you think the best noises are?)

I am going to Disneyland! (for New Years)

And I get my kitty in 6 more days. What should I name it?

Last week was my first week at TNS and it went pretty well. I got a bit of a stomache flu though so didn't get as much done as I wanted to and felt pretty bad leaving early a few days in my first week. They were really understanding though. Really laid back... almost too laid back. Me and Amber agreed that it is pretty weird to be on your own, not a lot of direction or anyone telling you when to do, what to do and how to do something. It feels weird after only one year of school to know more about what I am doing than the people I am doing it for.

In the first week I actually got a lot done. I am basing a lot of my work on what we did for our final advertising assignment. Even though it didn't feel like I had done a lot I printed it all out on Friday and there was quite a bit. The bosses seem pleased so far.

This week I am working on designing a brochure. When I started the boss gave me a teeny teeny Compaq laptop from like 1872. I haven't used a computer that slow since my parents bought our first computer in like 1996. The program he wanted me to use to make the brochure - Publisher 97. I was going through the tutorials and I couldn't help but laugh. After falling in love with InDesign that program was a joke. In the end I am getting a brand new computer tomorrow and have access to Photoshop and hopefully soon, InDesign. I have to admit I miss the programs - I am a geek.

PS. Little cranky though... I called Chris to say I wouldnt be home right away. He whined so I came home... then I see him for 2 seconds as he freaks out about how busy he is and then he leaves again. Tell me again... why did I come home????

WISH ME LUCK!

I start my new job tomorrow...

AAAAHHHHHH!!! I'm so nervous.

My tummy is turning. How will I ever sleep tonight?

I just realised how long it has been since I have posted.

The last time was at the end of semester... TODAY IS THE END OF 2nd SEMESTER....

I had my last test, handed in all my projects and now I am done for 4 months. I have an awesome job for the summer that I start on May 1. I am doing advertising, designing a brochure and selling for a place called TNS Communications that owns an answering service.

I am really excited, its going to be a great experience.

Anyways... last class.... must drink... more...

DONE SCHOOL!!!! HOORAY! Yesterday I had my last exam so I am done until January 9th. Thats almost a whole month!!! YAHOOOOO! And I get to go home to my family in about a week. I cant wait to see everyone, its been so long.

I almost dont know what to do with myself right now. Even though I dont HAVE to I feel like I should be out running around, like usual. I have lots of shopping and things to do but its so nice to just sit. (plus I have a cold in my nose that makes me feel like laying down and not moving)


Time to go across the street to get some food. Im hungry.

:( I am so upset with myself right now.

I feel like I have worked so hard all semester, tried to learn and improve and do my best and just like that i ruin it.

I had my final media writing exam a few minutes ago and I walked out of it in tears. There were 5 different stories/styles that we had to write and I obviously didnt give myself time for each one. We only had an hour and 20 minutes. Im sure I did fine on the first two, but my ad was AWFUL and had too many words which I will lose marks for. And my TV was also VERY rushed because it was the last one. I KNOW I have so much potential to write good but I just didnt give myself enough time. I got too stressed and took too much time thinking instead of just writing. It was messy and I wouldnt be surprised if I made a lot of stupid little mistakes in grammer, spelling, capitalization and so on....

To make me feel even worse, as I walked out the door I hear my teacher say it is worth 20% of my mark. Ive been doing well so far but I really wanted a good mark on this exam to solidify a really high mark in the class.... I FEEL SO UNCONFIDENT about the work that I did. I told my teacher that if I didnt have to hand it in I wouldnt because I was so unhappy with the work.

At this point I am really hoping that (like always) I am worrying for nothing and I will end up with a good mark... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET ME END UP WITH A GOOD MARK.

I feel sick.

I AM SO FRUSTRATED RIGHT NOW! (even more now that this is the second time that I have had to type this out)

Does he think that this is fun to do to me? That it is fun to PISS me off by NOT doing simple little things that I ask him to do. Things that would take a total of TEN MINUTES on his DAY OFF. THINGS that I have been asking for over a week to do.

And not only that but NOT doing things that a person with common sense knows how to do!!!!!! LIKE TURN THINGS OFF WHEN YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE!!!!

I came home from work a few minutes ago and thought to myself, "Oh, lucky me, it looks like he is home after all" NO! The living room, the kitchen, UPSTAIRS AND DOWNSTAIRS all the lights are on, the TV is on, the heat is cranked all the way up keeping no one warm, and the vap (something that could light our house on fire) is ON.

So maybe right now we arent paying our own bills, but I think that it is very unfair to my parents to make them pay for such WASTEFUL energy and gas use. AND NEXT YEAR i will be paying all my own bills. THIS CAN NOT CONTINUE!

So what am I supposed to do. I am starting to think that he gets a thrill out of doing this to me. If I say anything about it, "nag" at him if you will then it just makes him not want to do it anymore.

SO NOW WHAT? Do I give up? Do i sink to his level and stop doing anything?
Why should I have to go out on my time off and buy OUR groceries, clean our sheets and towels and clean all the bathrooms (things that he NEVER does) if he is not going to do simple tasks in his spare time???? And how would that solve anything. I would have no food and have to live in a dirty house.... BUT I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE.

And I can hear it already. Anytime I ask him why he didnt do the things I ask him he turns it around and blames me..... "well why didnt you pick up the stuff in the living room?" THE SAME FUCKING REASON WHY YOU LEAVE YOUR SHIT AROUND! lazy, forgot, BUSY!!!!!!


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT DO I DO? WHAT DO I DO? WHAT DO I DO????????????????????????

(apparently sit here and cry until his ass gets home)

So.... got my teeth done yesterday. I scared myself so badly that i cried all night before and all morning the day before.

Apparently I got myself so worked up that the drugs they gave me didnt work as well. I dont remember my dad leaving or getting the needles in my mouth. The top tooth on the right side I didnt notice but when they got to the bottom right.....
OH MY GOD! I swear I felt everything. IT HURT SO BAD! I was screaming so loud that i was scaring other people in the dentist office. I kept begging for more medicine but they couldnt give me anymore. They had to leave and talk to my dad... the dentist said they have never given anyone as much drugs as they gave me. Because I was freaking out so bad they almost wouldnt do the 2 on the left side........

luckily after they left i calmed down, they gave me more freezing and finally got the other 2 out. once again the top one was easy but the bottom one hurt and i could hear them drilling them and stuff.

the dentist and my dad both had to walk me to the car cause i was so wobbly. i was in and out of sleep all day and today i am sore, tired and HUNGRY. I WANT TO EAT REAL FOOD!!!!!!!

Everyone said the surgery was the easy part and the recovery the hard part.
I disagree.......
IM HUNGRY